Day 4 of 365: I’m Doing it Differently Now
I’m not sure if you’ve read my goals or not (now would be a good time if you haven’t), but I am practicing celibacy for 361 more days.
Why? Why would any young (it’s all relative, right?), handsome, endowed (again, relative) man want to take himself out of the sex game?
It’s not yielding the results I seek.
In my life so far, sex has had a negative ROI (return on investment). What do I mean by that? I mean intimacy hasn’t given me the results I’m looking for.
Sure, sex is fun. It is a way to get up close and personal with someone you find worthy of your reproductive organs (sounds strange when you think about it that way, right?). But for a person like me, I’m in search of more than just a nut.
If you were to ask my exes, they would probably tell you that I learned their bodies pretty well; that’s just what I do; I’m a pleaser.
But at the end of the pleasure fest, when I’m there laying buck naked and flaccid, can I really count on this person next to me to be there for me in ways that my soul and heart desire? Usually not.
I’ve been physically assaulted, lied to, taken advantage of, led astray, hoodwinked, bamboozled, and everything else you can think of, and you know what? I’m bloody tired of it.
I am partially the blame, though. I’ve been doing this relationship-Tarzan act (swinging from girl to girl) throughout the years and up until now, I wasn’t aware of how I was hurting myself.
This is only a theory since I haven’t actually practiced it yet, but I think you need to give it a little time in between relationships so the dust can settle. I’ve never gotten any better at relationships because I never really took the time to reflect and find ways to improve myself.
I recently joked that one girl’s smell hadn’t even had the chance to get all the way off of me before I was in another relationship. I said I joked about this, but in hindsight this is really sad.
I know I have always been a little envious of couples whom seem to have it all figured out. Those lucky fucks who seem to actually like one another and enjoy each other’s company.
Awww… I want that. *envy face*
So, as you know, Einstein and Denzel and The Grouch from Sesame Street have all given us this message in their own special ways: if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting.
I don’t want this anymore. I’m trying to be hubby (or at least Bae around this bish) within the next few years. And if not that, I’m at least trying to find someone I can kick it with where we’re honest and respectful to one another? Sheesh.